LOVE

I am afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-I-see)because I fear failure.
Failure of the self..
The pressure to succeed devoured me entirely,
so much as that I'd throw away anything where there was any sight of failing,
or not meeting expectations.

I let others own my fate.
The expectation is nothing but my own.. and I can't be self defeating.
So first step, love myself, again.
I did once upon a time, but I betrayed myself.
And it's gotten to me, I can never trust myself again.
To love is also to trust.
I am beginning to now.

I knew, and spoke these words, but never followed:
To love, you must first love yourself.
I don't.
I know this, from how I treat my parents, how I treat myself, and how I treat the world.

I don't love myself because I've told myself, unconsiously, I am a failure.

But I'm not. I never was - never will be.

White Rock Algae

This is me.. and Kim Jong Ill.. she's an alien. Look at my stance, my body is all lopsided.


the parental and Jeff. then me. and a really big white rock.


So we went to White Rock today, with absolutely no plan. I wonder what it is people who go there plan anyway.
It's just a beach... whatever. We ate ice cream, first thing, because I was dying of heat.
Me and Kelly, the alien.. we had fun pretty much joking most of the time.
Picking rocks, and trying to gross each other out. and more joking.

Kelly:"I always wanted to be an astronaut, for four years since I came here."
Mel:"Really? Wow, that's like.. real hard"
Kelly:"I wanted to find the aliens, and protect the Earth."
Mel:"Oh you mean, you wanted to find your family..."
Kelly:"Nooooo.. my family is in Korea."
Mel:"Your an alien."

And there was this guy who was balancing these huge rocks on top of each other..
like amazingly on the tips of each other.
I wonder why they never fell down from the wind? and no, he didn't use glue,
but the crazy alien said in her very monotonous accent:
"I want to knock down those rocks. They're blocking my view."
she said with a straight face.. LOL

I climbed the white rock.. but I didn't know how to get down!!! Too scared of splinters to use the log.
So some hindu guy.. told me to hang off and jump so he'd catch me. Hells no.
Not going to like some pervert rub me the wrong way. lol so i told him to put his hands up and hold my shoes.
teeeheheheheh.
then sushi, where some LGs were being rude.. so I showed them =P
the end. grocery shopping, then here. sigh.
it's been soooo long since I've had a full day out. I feel kinda good.

I guess I'm going to start

Hopefully I actually stick with it this time eh?
I mean blogging sure helps..
uhm nothing to say now.
really blur.
that's it for now.